love and hate (the line is so fine)
by Someone aka Me
Summary: Alecto has Amycus' name on one wrist and Amelia Bones' name on the other. It's clear from the beginning which one she's supposed to love and which she's supposed to hate, right? Right. :: Warnings for familial physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, as well as brainwashing. This is not a happy story.


Assignment 2: Quidditch: Task 2 - Bludgers: Write about someone or something causing harm.

RA: Day 5 - You have your soulmate's name on one wrist and your mortal enemy on the other

 **Warning for familial abuse — emotional, physical, and sexual — between siblings. Strong themes of gaslighting and brainwashing.**

…

Alecto is thirteen when she gets her names.

One on her left wrist, one on her right.

Someone she is destined to love, and someone she is destined to hate.

She smiles, because from the very beginning, it is obvious which is which. On her left wrist, in cramped script, it reads, _Amycus Carrow_. Her brother, who tells her he loves her every night as he crawls into her bed and pushes off her nightgown. Who tells her that this is what love is, this is what family does for each other as he pushes inside of her. Who tells her not to cry, because he loves her.

And she is reassured to see his name there, because it means Amycus is right. It means that this is love.

Her right wrist bears the name _Amelia Bones_ , a Hufflepuff Girl a few years ahead of her. A Pureblood, but not a very good one, because Alecto has seen her making friends with _Mudbloods_.

 _Yes_ , Alecto thinks. _I could hate her very easily._

…

Sometimes, Alecto wonders if all love comes with this much pain. She wonders as Amycus towers over her, wand raised to hex her again.

She curls into the corner and tries to make herself small, but she is fifteen and her body does not curl into itself well anymore.

She tries not to whimper as Amycus sends another cutting spell, tearing her forearm open. She fails, and he sneers at her.

"Don't you understand, sister? I'm only trying to make you stronger."

He's right, she knows. She is weak. She wishes she had Amycus's strength to do what needs doing.

Instead, all she really wants most days is to be left alone.

His eyes flash as he looks down at her.

"You're pathetic. Tell me how pathetic you are."

"I'm… I'm pathetic," she says, trying to make her voice steady.

"I- I," he stammers in a mockery of her hesitation. "Speak clearly! Have some goddamn _conviction_."

"I'm pathetic," she says with more surety. "I'm weak and I'm pathetic and I'm glad you're still trying to make me better."

She is grateful. Most people would've given up on her long ago. But not Amycus. Amycus _loves_ her. Amycus bears her name, and he will never give up on her, no matter how many times she disappoints him. She is so, so grateful to him for that.

…

That same night, he holds her tight and strokes her hair. "You understand, don't you?" he says, his voice soft. "That I'm only trying to help? I hate punishing you."

And she understands. Amycus is helping her become better.

She wishes she weren't so pitiful, so that he wouldn't have to.

"I'm sorry I'm not better," she says.

He sighs. "You will be."

…

It is Amycus who brings them to the Dark Lord.

He looks at Alecto with fire in his eyes, an inferno burning there, and says, "I have found a way for us to be strong."

And Alecto wants little else, and so she follows him.

When she bares her left wrist to the Dark Lord for him to mark, he looks at her brother's name with curiosity. And then it shifts into something knowing, but Alecto doesn't understand what he knows.

He does not tell her. He simply brands her.

Alecto does not scream. She has long since learned how to hold her tongue.

…

That night, Amycus fucks her gently and tells her he's proud of her and Alecto feels her heart fill to bursting, because she loves him.

She loves him.

She loves him.

…

The war gets rougher and Amycus gets angrier. They come home after bad raids and he makes her bleed, doesn't stop until she cries, and Alecto knows she is weak and should do better but it _hurts_. It hurts to see the anger in his face.

But then they come home after good raids and he fucks her until she bleeds, doesn't stop until she cries and she thought this was supposed to be love but _why does it hurt so bad_?

Yet every time she questions it, she looks down and sees his name branded on her arm and she knows that this must be love.

Clearly the fairytale stories that other people tell are just child's play, something to dream about when love isn't present.

She does not envy those who have yet to find their love. She has Amycus. She has always had Amycus. He will never leave her.

…

The first time she faces Amelia Bones for more than passing second, it is across a courtroom.

Amelia looks at her with very little emotion in her eyes.

"Alecto Carrow," she says, "You have been sentenced to life in Azkaban for the torture and murder of Muggles in the service of the one who calls himself Voldemort. You will have no chance of parole."

And Alecto knows that this is what hate is.

Except that as they take her away, she meets Amelia's eyes, and there's something unfamiliar there.

Something that might be regret. Or longing.

But it's probably just pity.

…

Alecto spends so long in Azkaban, she doesn't even know how to mark the time anymore. She just stares at the rock, feeling time slip away.

The Dementors pass by often, black cloaks billowing, and each time they do, they suck a bit more of the happy out of her.

Except that, without the happiness that comes with her memories, she starts to lose the thread of how they fit together, how they made sense, how they formed a picture that showed her so clearly that Amycus loved her.

 _Loves_ her.

He loves her. He must.

Except that she can't remember any of the times when he's said it with the softness that once convinced her of its truth.

And she can remember all too clearly everything else.

She remembers the first time he fucked her — remembers his hand over her mouth, remembers the tears streaming down her face, remembers whimpering _no_ over and over again, and not understanding why Amycus wasn't listening. It felt like a betrayal.

She remembers his voice in her ear, telling her this was what good siblings did, that if she loved him, she would do this for him. She remembers feeling sick, not understanding, asking Amycus why it _hurt_ , _it hurts, Amycus, please_.

He'd told her that it hurt because she wasn't doing it right, but she'd get better, she'd do better for him in the future.

She remembers never wanting it to happen again.

But then she loses the thread of the narrative, because she's lost the memories where he whispered sweet nothings in her ear and kept her safe from the world.

All she has left are the times that hurt. The way it felt when he raised his wand to her.

That… that can't be love, can it?

Alecto doesn't know anymore.

…

When they are freed, when Barty comes into her cell and says, "It's over,", she cannot look at Amycus. She doesn't know what to feel. She doesn't know what to do. So she waits until they reach freedom, and then she looks him in the eye.

And she is surprised at the rush of fury. The throb of pain. Just a bit of bittersweet loss.

She does not love him.

She wonders if she ever really did, but… she knows the truth is that she did. She loved him, despite what he did to her.

Because of what he did to her.

And she _hates_ him.

Azkaban may have been torture, but at least it has given her this: the ability to see him without the cloud of her love.

And he is a monster.

She flees at the sight.

…

If Amycus is the one she hates…

What does that mean about Amelia Bones? Amelia Bones, whose parting glance Alecto cannot forget, but does not understand.

Is it possible that Amelia knew they were destined to love one another, and sentenced her to life in Azkaban anyway? Is it defiance of the Fates, or is she simply that dedicated to what is fair?

Or was the fact that she once loved Amycus enough to make him the one she would love, and Amelia is still the one she is meant to hate?

Alecto isn't sure.

Alecto isn't sure of much, these days.

…

Maybe it's stupid, but Alecto doesn't know where else to go.

So she breaks into Amelia's apartment.

Amelia comes home to find her sitting on the couch.

She doesn't look surprised.

"I thought you might find me, eventually," she says as she hangs up her cloak on a coat rack near the door. "I guess that answers whether you've got my name, too."

Alecto cocks her head, inspects the woman. Amelia Bones is carefully put together, wearing a Muggle pantsuit under her robes, every layer professional. Her expression is hard to read.

Alecto wonders what she looks like. After years in Azkaban, it's probably not pretty. Not that she was ever very pretty to begin with.

"Do you know which one it is?" Alecto finally asks. Her voice is a rasp, rouge with years of disuse.

"Hmm?" Amelia hums, stepping forward. Alecto notices she hasn't put down her wand.

That's fine. Alecto doesn't even have a wand anymore. She's not here to fight.

"Which mark is which," Alecto clarifies.

Amelia's eyebrows furrow. "Don't you?"

Alecto laughs, harsh and bitter. She bares both her wrists, showing Amelia her brother's name. "I have loved him and hated him in turns. No, I don't know."

Amelia looks at her thoughtfully. "Then why did you come here?"

"Because I cannot look at him without hating him for all that he is done, but I am afraid that if I stay with him, he will manage to remind me of why I loved him, once," Alecto says into her hands, and then she tips her head up and sends a pleading glance at Amelia. "I… the person who broke me cannot be the one to fix me, because he will put me back together the way that I was, and I cannot go back to that. Not… I don't think that's what love is supposed to be like."

Amelia's grey eyes are piercing, seeing so much more than Alecto is saying, and Alecto can almost see her placing the puzzle pieces together.

After a moment, Amelia pulls up her sleeves one at a time and shows Alecto her own wrists.

On one wrist, Alecto's name. On the other, Corban Yaxley.

Amelia huffs out a slightly bitter laugh. "Two Marked Death Eaters for the head of the DMLE. What irony." She shakes her head. "But Yaxley killed my brother and his husband. I cannot forgive him, and I could not love him. Which leaves you." Amelia sighs. "I have never understood Fate, and I do not believe in letting it dictate my life. But I respect it enough to see _why_."

"I don't claim to know," Alecto says. "I think… I think I've done things that you can't forgive, too. And I'm not sure I know how to love someone the right way. But I have nothing left. I cannot go back to him."

Amelia sighs.

"Have you ever killed anyone?" she asks.

Alecto wonders if that's something she would remember.

"I don't… think so?" she offers, hesitantly.

Amelia blinks at her, and Alecto shrugs. "There's a lot of… gaps. In my memories."

Amelia looks at her, and then closes her eyes.

"I'm going to regret this so much," she says quietly, but then she opens her eyes and says, "You can stay here, for now."

…

Amelia, it turns out, has a steadfast loyalty to the law but an even deeper loyalty to the people that matter to her, and that's what allows her to harbour Alecto, who is still technically a wanted criminal.

Amelia looks her in the eye and tells her with complete conviction that if she commits so much as a misdemeanor Amelia is putting her back in Azkaban immediately.

And Alecto believes her.

But Amelia also listens to her.

Amelia listens to her as she tries to sort out what is real and what is half-remembered and and what is imagination and what is just lies Amycus told her.

Amelia hires a Muggle therapist to come to the house and help Alecto work through things. The therapist uses big words like "dissociation from reality" but she also listens really well when Alecto is talking. She's sometimes frustrating but mostly nice so Alecto lets her keep coming. If nothing else, she's a nice companion in Alecto's loneliness.

It's weird, to talk to a Muggle. It's not what Alecto is used to, but Amelia told her to treat the Muggle just like she would anyone else except not talking about magic, and Alecto had told Amelia she wasn't an idiot. But she saw the way Amelia smiled when she introduced herself nicely and she wants to see Amelia smile like that again.

Amelia says she has to learn to love herself before they can figure out what they are to each other.

Alecto thinks that might be impossible.

But Amelia gives her a reason to want to try.

...

Writing Month/Dragons: 2210

Auction: word: expression

Romance Awareness: Day 5 - You have your soulmate's name on one wrist and your mortal enemy on the other

Fortnightly: Chocolate: Dark - write about a 'dark' character. & Glaze - write about covering for someone.; Amazing Women: femslash, pantsuit

Seasonal: Days of the Year: Business Women's Day: Write about a career-orientated woman. / Birthstones: Pearl - (dialogue) "The person who broke you can't be the one to fix you." / Fire Element: word: inferno / Shay's Musical Challenge: Spongebob the Musical - write about someone who never feels special. / Gryffindor Themed Prompts: Trait: arrogant (amycus)

Character Appreciation: 15. Trait: Arrogant / Disney Challenge: S2: A Spoonful of Sugar - Write about someone finding the good in something bad. / Cookie's Crafty Corner: Purl Stitch: Write from the perspective of a Death Eater or someone on the wrong side of events. / Book Club: The Commander: (trait) lonely, (word) companion, (colour) black / Showtime: 9. Making Things Up Again - (word) Imagination / Amber's Attic: T4: 4. Inspirational Quote: Write about someone receiving advice. / Count Your Buttons: AU4: PrisonAU (in that the carrows never actually went to Azkaban in canon.) / Lyric Alley: 4. I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars / Ami's Audio Admirations: 3. The B-List - Write about someone average or someone who feels tha they are average. / Sophie's Shelf: 32. AlectoAmelia / Em's Emporium: 5. Abby (Cookies and Ink): (trope) Didn't know they were dating. Alt — write about a survivor. / Angel's Arcade: 6. Tremor: (object) rock, (scenario) You no longer consider your leader an ally, and you want to leave the organization, (dialogue) "It's over." / Lo's Lowdown: C1: Aaron Hotchner: write about someone who does not show emotion often. / Bex's Bazaar: O3: Manny (Manfred) - Write about someone fearing being left alone. Alternatively, write about an unlikely friendship. / Film Festival: 60. betrayal

Tea: Oat & Raisin Cookies: (theme) Depression

Insane House: action: hiding


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